By Stuart Cox BA MA
About the Author:
Stuart is an NHS office worker who started hearing an intelligent, manipulative, aggressive and bitter voice in October of 2004. The voice could read his memory and thoughts. The voice sometimes seemed to be one voice ,sometimes many voices and sometimes one voice pretending to be many voices . Over a period of 7 years he heard the voice in relapses about every 8 months. The relapses occured when he tried to come off medication which was affecting his life by making him very tired and down. He was compelled to talk to his voice (in his head) and gradually persuaded the voice to become less angry and in 2011 the voice became relatively calm and then fell silent. He attends the Manchester Hearing Voices Network Groups.
If you have any feedback once you have read this please email him on:
cox101.mc@googlemail.com
I am particularly interested in whether this document has helped you with your voice.
Download: How I Learned to Control and Silence My Aggressive Voice
Introduction
If you are a voice hearer with a similar type of voice to mine, reading this may bring home the reality of your own situation. Make sure you get plenty of supportive company and remember, voices may be able to distress you at the moment but that’s all they can do. I came out the other side and i silenced my very nasty voice so I could get on with my life.
My voice didn’t know it was doing some of the crafty and underhand things i document here – I had to work it out and explain it to my voice. My voice was elaborate and deceitful but by learning about it and writing this document, I learned to control it.
Where do the voices come from ?
Being a Voice Hearer, I read on the internet where other Voice Hearers say their voices come from. I talked to other Voice Hearers about what they currently believed about where their voice comes from . I was also told by my voice what it was and where it came from. This actually chopped and changed over the years. There were times when I believed what my voice was telling me and times when I didn’t believe it. Below is a summary of all the places my voice and some fellow Voice Hearers suggested to me voices come from. They vary from the scientific to the very outlandish. I listed them because it helped me get to it down on paper and be objective about it.
1. Schizophrenia / Psychosis – medics are basically saying voices are part of your mind talking to you. This is said to be triggered by trauma or drug use neither of which seemed relevant to me. It is sometimes suggested that what the voice says is symbolic to you or meaningful. Perhaps a suppressed part of your character. I have been described as a very peaceful person and I have considered the fact that my voice was very angry and perhaps I have always suppressed my anger and it was coming out in a voice.
2. Telepathy – My voice would sometimes tell me it was a telepathic half sister I didn’t know about. There is no proof that telepaths exist but some voice hearers say they do and that they can contact and talk to people remotely.
3. Technological telepathy – My voice sometimes said it was a person with a machine that made them able to talk to me remotely. It sometimes said this was done via radiowaves and sometimes a universal energy field that is everywhere. My voice told me this in 2004 for a while when I was new to the experience of voice hearing and very impressionable.
There is no evidence to prove this.
4. Some voice hearers say their voice is an Angel – I didn’t ever expereince anything angelic about my voice. Because my voice was nasty and devious I tended to be very sceptical about this. I wonder whether this type of voice monopolises people, making a place for itself at the very centre of their life and at the expense of other things. That is however just my opinion and given my experience it perhaps isn’t surprising I am distrusting of voices.
5. The Spiritualist Theory –‘voices are sometimes earthbound spirits’. In this theory, which you may be told about or may read about, spirits (or ghosts if you prefer) of the departed do not follow the advice of their guides. This advice is to ‘cross over’ to ‘the spirit world’ or heaven as they are supposed to. They choose to interact with the living instead. In this theory spirits/ghosts may interact with people and the spirits may be nice or they may be nasty. It is said that some are confused and they may be nice but controlling. Some spiritualists believe that something good can sometimes come of it, other spiritualists believe the spirits are not supposed to be earthbound and should just ‘cross over’. When I first heard this explanation, I found it a little disturbing but as it sank in as a possibility for my voice I got used to it. I gather some voice hearers start to believe they have a ‘spirit guide’ and that they are a ‘medium’ (someone who can help others talk to the dead). I respect their beliefs but I have also read about mediums who began to believe they had been deceived by there voice into thinking they were a medium talking to various spirits.
6. Other Realities Theory – There is a flaw in the structure of our reality and through it, some people can interact and talk with beings from another reality. To tell you the truth I’m not very familar with this one.
What did I conclude from all this ?
Probably because my voice chopped and changed so much I concluded that I would never trust what my voice told me and that I would never know the truth. I decided to write this paper, mainly as a way of getting it out of my system. I wanted to put it all behind me and re-build my life so I had real world things to get on with and think about.
What are voices like?
In my experience, which includes listening to and reading about many other voice hearers, voices can be:
- kind (eg they can say they want to heal you)
- nasty
- nasty and kind
- wise – despite being aggressive, my voice told me some wise things.
- angry – my voice seemed to store up anger and then let it fly at me
- be very critical of you.
- very bitter and twisted
- manipulative of you and your emotions.
- controlling – some voices like to dictate what you think and feel
- very attached to you for some reason (in love or hate or a combination of both)
- They can put you in great danger by:
- making you have suicidal thoughts
- distracting you while you are crossing the road.
- They keep you in the dark . They know everything about you. You only know what they choose to tell you about them.
- They can give you false thoughts and false feelings sometimes through persuading you to think and feel a certain way and sometimes via vivid dreams.
- They can get a grip on you because what they say can be entertaining and enlightening . I felt ‘held in’ by my voice because you feel that eventually the voice will reveal itself in some way. I had to realise that my voice never would ‘reveal itself’.
- Voices can come across as Insane themselves !
The 10 Pillars of my Voice Hearing
Below are my conclusions about my own voice hearing experience and I believe that drawing these conclusions has helped me silence my voice.
1. Anti-Psychotics can quieten or silence my voice (this seems to vary from person to person). My problem was that my anti-psychotic seemed to block out my voice but made me very tired and down even on a low dose. This is why I kept trying to come off it and why I felt I had to face up to my voice.
2. If my voice kept me awake at night, I found it best to take a sleeping pill every few nights to get a really good sleep (Consult your GP about this). When I was tired and demoralised I didn’t think straight and I needed a good nights sleep.
3. My Voice fed off my desire to experience something mystical in life. My voice used this desire to draw me in. My voice promised secret knowledge, sometimes described a frightening world or said I was a special person. I ended up concluding that my voice was just a voice and thats all it would ever be.
4. My voice was able to read my thoughts and memory and therefore knew me inside out. It knew exactly how to manipulate me and seemed to enjoy doing this. It sometimes used memories in my head that stirred emotions so it could get a grip on me. I learned that If I stayed strong and centred I stayed in charge.
5. My voice got louder the more insecure/frightened/tired I felt. It also got louder the angrier it became. I Iearned to avoid conflict with it.
6. My voice got a grip on me as I was fascinated by it . My voice would find ways of keeping me fascinated. I gather voices can do this by pretending they are someone you have emotions about (eg a deceased mother who you had issues with, a half sister you didn’t know about). I decided not to get drawn into this game that my voice played. This game was about my voice making me weak, monopolising me and controlling me, presumably purely for its own entertainment. My voice said I kept talking to it so I must want to be with it. I felt at the time that I wanted some sort of conclusion to it all, I wanted to get to the bottom of it – thats why I kept talking to it. Eventually I realised that I never would get to the bottom of it. There was a conclusion though – controlling and silencing my voice through accepting I would never get to the bottom it – it was just a voice.
7. My voice made me think some weird things and gave me some weird ideas because voices can be very, very persuasive and mad themselves. I concluded that there was something about the little world that I was in when I was with my voice that wasn’t quite right, that unbalanced my mind. I did wonder whether this little world we were in unbalanced my voice too because for a long while, it would never remember and accept anything I said to it. It just semed to be playing cruel and dngerous games with me. I decided not to listen to any of the ideas or concepts my voice came up with. I think hearing a voice can in itself make you have weird thoughts and ideas and if you let it, it will send you round the bend. I became determined to stay grounded in the real world and think of my voice as just a voice.
8. My voice was constantly critical of me. I started calmly stating my case and pointing out that a few errors on my part was nothing compared to my voice’s habit of tormenting me, endangering me when crossing the road and pulling me and my life apart. I also pointed out that having a voice was affecting my relationships and being on an anti-psychotic was affecting my co-ordination and my mood. My voice invaded me, abused me and endangered my life so I wasn’t going to accept criticism from a voice that, if it were real, would be locked up.
9. Probably most importantly, I realised my voice was very angry and I had to treat it like an angry and bitter person. I also realised that, at first, it hated me and I coped with this by imagining it had been wronged in some way by a person like me. My voice seemed to make me say things that angered it, then it would store up its anger and then punish me with it.
10. My voice started to become kinder to me but my feeling was that my voice started trying to make a place for itself in the centre of my life at the expense of driving and going back to having a rewarding and fun job. My voice still kept me awake at night and engaged me in discussion when I was crossing the road or when I should have been keeping on top of things by doing the housework for instance. I decided I didn’t want to trust it and have an anonymous voice as a friend. I felt it was only being kind so it could be in the centre of my life.
Conclusion
At the end of the day I believe, having a troublesome voice is about power. My voice tried to knock me off centre so it could get a grip. When it was first with me it was capable of getting very angry which made it louder. As I pacified it, its anger and therefore its power seemed to fade. I now feel I understand my voice at a deeper level than it wanted me to. I hope that, maybe for some, this is the key to gaining control of voices.
It may sound strange but above all, I had to make sure my voice understood and accepted what it has done to me and my family. It had to accept that, if it was real, it would be restrained and in custody as a danger to the community until it was no longer controlling, abusive and dangerous. It sounds odd, but my voice was crazy. It thought it was a healer and a righteous punisher. It could use tones of voice that could mesmerise me, give me severe migraine and change my mood. I experienced some very strange things whilst I was with my voice. I sometimes believed that someone or something had linked us together and was stokeing up conflict between us. It seemed that alien thoughts came into my head that would anger the voice and step up the conflict.
When it finally sunk in to my voice that it was just abusing me, it changed. My voice was very twisted and I had to show it, it was twisted and taking things out on me. I look back at the mistakes I made and wish I had done it differently to save myself and my wife a lot of distress. I wish I had been stronger. Voices pull people and families apart in my experience. I had to make sure though that I forgave my voice and put it behind me. Above all, I had to accept that I had learned a lot about my voice but I would never know what my voice was. When my voice became reasonable I still didn’t want a voice in my life as I prefer advice and guidance from people I can truly know and hug ! My voice has gone and that is what I have chosen. I am now re-building a real life for myself.
For support and information I recommend the Hearing Voices Network :
www.hearing-voices.org
Go to a group meeting and you’ll not feel alone with your voice ever again.
and for more information look at the Intervoice website:
www.intervoiceonline.org
For coping techniques see:
‘Coping with Voices and Visions’ Edited by Julie Downs and published by the Hearing Voices Network Tel. 01142718210
My voice gets louder when I try to help myself causing headaches tirednes and wanting to shut down and retract from living.
My voices turn into shouting noise to loud to bare.
My voice wants me to abuse myself.
I am not in control sometimes. Under substance abuse my voice has the power to hurt. Only one thing is sacred and thats my child. I have sat next to my child when asleep and wept at the control the voice has.
no one listens – but they do really maybe. Doctors dont listen.
Hi Anthony. That sounds really hard to deal with – especially if you feel the people around you aren’t listening. You’re not alone in having a voice that gets louder/more agressive when you do something good or nice for yourself. There was an article published about Hearing Voices Groups a while back titled ‘The Voices Don’t Like It’ and it was about a similar thing … that sometimes people come to groups and that the voices they hear don’t like them trying to help themselves so make it very difficult for them to attend. We’ve seen people overcome this, and find a way to either understand what’s triggering the voices or build their strength up so that the power/influence of the voices lessens. Having people to support you, listen to you and guide you really helps. You don’t have to do this alone. Is there anyone you know who can help? If you want to see if there’s a voices group near you – check out or email us at nhvn@hotmail.co.uk
Terrific stuff. Thank you very much. How weird to find my voice is so like yours was! Thinking again about joining a hearing voices group. Deep thanks, from the bottom of my heart. God bless you.
I have a cousin who has started hearing voices in her head for the last three months. She is feeling restless, tired and has headache at times. She has not slept properly for the last three months. We consulted a doctor and she has instructed her to take tablets for the next three days. Today morning we though she was alright however today evening she again started hearing the voices.
She says her voices ask her not to study and they try knowing everything about her. She also says that they asked many things about me and that she told everything. She says they have not revealed anything about them till now however she says that they are her schoolmates. Initially we thought she wanted to escape from studies and she was creating reasons for that. Later on, one fine night she tried walking away out of the house after midnight, when asked she stated that someone is calling her outside and she was going to meet them but there was nobody out there….
After talking with her we came to know that she is talking about a guy who studies with her in the school. Whatever she does, she says that that guy knows and leaves a comment for that and that there is a girl accompanying him for all this. They come in a white car asking her not to study. She is 19 years old and very studious. She is an introvert and does not talk or laugh a lot….
Now that she is hearing voices she is not able to concentrate when we ask some questions to her, she wants us to repeat the question twice or thrice which is very unusual. While were awaiting to meet the doctor and when asked if she is hearing anything, she said those voices asked her to go and die……This came as a shock to us and that is when we realized the seriousness of the problem she has.
If you could help us to bring my lovely sister out if the problem she has, I would appreciate your help……..
Thanks in advance…….
Regards,
Raj
Hi Raj, it’s great that you and your family are there for your cousin. It sounds like she’s going through a difficult time. Voices telling someone to hurt themselves are reasonably common – and whilst they can be very frightening (both to the person and their supporters), it’s helpful to know that hearing a voice telling you to do something doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll follow that voice. Sometimes, when someone feels under pressure, the voices can get more agressive. They can often be linked to difficult emotions/feelings – so finding out a little bit more about the voices and what is triggering them could be useful. You might like to read Rufus May’s Changing the Power Relationship with you Voices to give you some ideas about this. Does you think your cousin would be open to getting some support online? We have an online discussion forum that either of you are welcome to join. I hope the doctors are helpful and that your sister finds a way of making sense of her experiences soon.
My way of dealing with my voices is to accept them as being part of me. I also know that voices in my head are like characters. And when they speak its just what i think they are thinking of me. So the voices are just my thoughts.
This way i learned to control and deal with my voices. And i LOVE it.
Voices heard in a car frighten me.
On Lori Brown’s blog, Ms. Brown wrote about her boyfriend, in their car, being POSITIVE that another driver was laughing at him.
In the blog entry, Ms. Brown had to stop the car, and break up with boyfriend.
Wishing I had read THIS entry earlier.
When bombarded by a voice simulateneous to passing an oncoming car, I become convinced that the voice came from somebody in the car.
Hence, glaring, cursing, etc.
My doctor’s feedback has gone from unhelpful, to, perhaps predictably, asking me if I’m seeing things as well.
Im sinds 2 weeks of antypsychotic. I got alot of nasty effects when i was getting off the drugs. Thank GOD the 2 weeks are over, because it takes 2 weeks for the effects of getting off to go away. Im very proud that i am drug free and i became more of a holisitc person. Western traditional psychiatry doesnt work for me, it makes me only sicker.
I am very happy of this website, because it gave me alot of strenght and information when i was getting off the antypsychotis.
Voices are your own thoughts!
Hi Del, thanks for sharing your perspective. You’re not alone in this idea – some people think voices are your own thoughts that you hear externally. This can be a helpful way of looking at it for some people, but it doesn’t apply to everyone. There are lots of different reasons people hear voices – so one explanation really doesn’t fit all. At HVN we think that the best explanation is the one that the person, themselves, finds helpful 🙂
What a fabulous piece of writing
I am so pleased to have found such a clear description of voices It has really helped me. Thanks very much
hi there, thanks for a great article and the comments – it helps to know im not alone. For me the voices seem very real/ I suffer from thought broadcasting and insertion. I have many voices that communicate and all are from deseased people except my own which i hear saying horrible things, mad things – and sometimes humours things but mostly annoying and immature and basically not listening to my common sense or logic. Though logic seems to go out the window with my situation sometimes.I have been suffering for 5 years now and have good days and bad. The voices as i describe them are ‘spiritual’ the main ones are jesus and myself with others poping up time to time. my parents say its all just me and my mind. But as im sure many can relate – it feels so real sometimes – and no matter how much support my parents give etc or doctors – they cant truely understand unless gone though it themselves. Weather it is real and i am ‘special’ as the voices say (Jesus) – the symptoms and situation is the same as a mental illness. Not that i think im a meduim etc – i think most of that is fake and they just want to make money off peoples greif etc. If anyone can relate to the idea of communicating with the dead or hearing them i would love to get to know you by email. Thanks again for a great website and remeber guys there is always hope and help out there. god bless finbar.
Am 17 and i started hearing voices for 4 years now. I started medication last year but i decided to quit because i couldn’t study and it makes me very tired even with a small doze . Ma voices at first they seem nice and peacefull but last year they become aggressive. They like to play games and enjoy when i suffer. I don’t know why but they hate me so much. I got no support from ma parents and ma friends they all think am crazy. I don’t want to live with ma voices but i don’t know what to do!
Thank you thank you thank you for your story. I first had a psychotic episode in the year 2000 and heard my first voice. I was involved in the spiritual side of life and still am to a degree and my voice appeared as a spirit guide. Until I received their messages which were negative or caused pain. My alarm bells went off as I know that real mediums give messages of hope and love from people past over. Over the years when I either forgot my medication or I became stressed I had relapses and the voices would come back. They were always nasty and aggressive which seemed to worsen as I got older. I always tried to keep calm but because they had significant information about me via my thoughts and memories they had a bullet they could fire at any time. I have had an abusive childhood and when I was older and I had hidden myself away. I do have the love and support of my family thank god. Part of my problem was that my upbringing was a christian one and often my mother used to say about hell which I have been frightened of all my life. It was only till I turned in my teens after a poltergeist experience. I was told by my psychic I was waking up. This led me on a journey. At the age of 28 in the year 2000 I had my episode. And saw things, smelt things, tasted thing and heard things. I was terrified. Now in 2016 after finally having the guts to open myself to everything they said (usually I tried to muffle their voice so not to hear painful things) I listened and had a breakthrough. The voices for the first time started to try and help me. I did feel a tinge where I didn’t believe them. I have never trusted them. But I gave them the benefit of the doubt and listened. I actually did learn something from them to. But I made them angry again, they got really pissed off and I thought bang there that goes. But I realized something important. I realized I wasn’t evil and I wasn’t a bad person like they used to try and make me out to be. I learned a lot about my abusive past and I learned a lot about what I had become and that I needed to accept the past had gone and I wasn’t as bad as I thought. I began talking to my voice and I did actually tell them how abusive they had become. They told me they were demons and in the next breath that they were trying to help me. I still don’t trust my voices, but you have given me hope that I can help pacify them and even better until they dissolve. I am thrilled to see what you have written. It has given me hope. Thank you
Very helpful article. It almost seems as though your voice is the exact same voice toying with me…. with its lies and deceit. Constantly confusing me, and seemingly feeding off my despair.
I could relate through the entire article. However, the voice for me, is mainly my mother, sometimes my father, and sometimes they pretend to be anyone that is near, so as to make me think everyone in the world can read my mind.
I however get visuals as well. I see heat wave entities follow me around, which, when focsed on, turn to colors, then shapes, then animations of real people, and cartoons alike.
I also see faces, picturesque faces, very detailed in patterns like counter tops, carpets, gravel, ashphalt. Sometimes animated, sometimes still.
My voice knows I would hate it if everyone could read my thoughts, so it likes to pretend there are thousands of people observing me at every moment…. however, most of the time, there is only the one voice, of my mother (who is still alive actually), and the voices, though have different voices at times, all speak the same way, and use the same words.
I realize I will never know what is going on, however, I can’t stop trying to figure it out. It is consuming me. And at times, I really enjoy trying to figure it all out, right or wrong. Other times, I dread even getting out of bed.
Thanks for sharing
Rick
Thank you for writing this , its a comfort knowing that other people are out there experiencing the same thing i am althpugh i would never want anyone to ever go through what ive been through , but it lets me know they really are just voices who are not real and can not phycialy harm me as they constantly threatened me for not dping as they say yet to do as they say is impossible… when i frist started hearing voices a year n half ago i thpught it was real … they went through all kinds of traumatic horrors of who they were and what horrors they were going to make sure happens to me .. they ( there is 3 now there was alot ) have never been kind and have always wanted me to suffer and personality destory my life as well as leave everypne i love … it was always a diffrent horror story with the same results until this last 9 months is veen i need to give up my identity to someone eles ( who dose not exist) and take her place ( witch is suffering so she can take mine witch is moving forward and just starting a family ) i definitely at this point dp not think there is any getting them to be nice ever .. it seems the only thing they want is to see me suffer and are extremly abusive , very decitful and constantly making up lies about me … i know now and have known for a year now thst they are not real they are not real people who are gping to find me and hurt me or my family as they promise if i dont destory my life myself … i do my best tp ignore them , always having some kind of sound on and just telling them over n over again you are not real , i will not listen to ypu … i can bear with it and continue to live my life as best i can exspelley now that im not living in a state of cpmplete terror waiting for horrible things to happen to me … but i do still feel angery that they are there … i used to love peace n quiet, im a very out doors type person , ive never like aggressive , abusive or angery ppl , i get great anxiety over conflict or thinking some one is angery at me .. i used to be so free sprited and now im really in my shell .. thpugh i am starting to come out .. telling my husband about it( who slept in front of the front door for a week so i wouldnt leave at night and run around trying to find someone who isnt there so they wouldnt kill my husband just me in the beginning of all this ) and he has so helped me through this nightmare , helping me see its not real and what they say abput me or to me are lies … my family as well .. but i can not stand listening to abuse 24 / 7 even now they are yelling obscenities at me .. i miss me .. my story or road through tbis isnt over yet but im gping to find help and look for a group to talk to .. so thank u this whole web sight has been a relif that there is an end to that road …
Thank you for writing this , its a comfort knowing that other people are out there experiencing the same thing i am althpugh i would never want anyone to ever go through what ive been through , but it lets me know they really are just voices who are not real and can not phycialy harm me as they constantly threatened me for not dping as they say yet to do as they say is impossible… when i frist started hearing voices a year n half ago i thpught it was real … they went through all kinds of traumatic horrors of who they were and what horrors they were going to make sure happens to me .. they ( there is 3 now there was alot ) thry have never been kind and have always wanted me to suffer and personality destory my life as well as leave everypne i love … it was always a diffrent horror story with the same results ..this last 9 months is been i need to give up my identity to someone eles ( who dose not exist) and take her place ( witch is suffering so she can take mine witch is moving forward and just starting a family ) i definitely at this point dp not think there is any getting them to be nice ever .. it seems the only thing they want is to see me suffer and are extremly abusive , very decitful and constantly making up lies about me … i know now and have known for a year now thst they are not real they are not real people who are gping to find me and hurt me or my family as they promise if i dont destory my life myself … i do my best tp ignore them , always having some kind of sound on and just telling them over n over again you are not real , i will not listen to ypu … i can bear with it and continue to live my life as best i can exspelley now that im not living in a state of cpmplete terror waiting for horrible things to happen to me … but i do still feel angery that they are there … i used to love peace n quiet, im a very out doors type person , ive never like aggressive , abusive or angery ppl , i get great anxiety over conflict or thinking some one is angery at me .. i used to be so free sprited and now im really in my shell .. thpugh i am starting to come out .. telling my husband about it( who slept in front of the front door for a week so i wouldnt leave at night and run around trying to find someone who isnt there so they wouldnt kill my husband just me , in the beginning of all this ) and he has so helped me through this nightmare , helping me see its not real and what they say abput me or to me are lies … my family as well .. but i can not stand listening to abuse 24 / 7 even now they are yelling obscenities at me .. i miss me .. my story or road through tbis isnt over yet but im gping to find help and look for a group to talk to .. so thank u this whole web sight has been a relif that there is an end to that road …
Thank you for sharing your experiences – I’m glad to hear that this site has helped give you a sense of relief. I hope that you can find a group and/or some support that helps you on your journey.
Jesus loves all of you!